perastravincimus

October 26th · 11:36 PM
“if u decided u cannot date a girl who lives at home + has a curfew … i understand that btw… and i would not hold that against you”

An ode to Natalio O Natalie, I’m here and so are you. May God let this be without fear, with full comfort, with openness, with communication, maybe even a little trust. It’s been some time, but there will never be enough space or time to heal. I’m here because things have been left unsaid, and I am calm and collected to say them without crying, without being desperate, and without pressure. I know that I’ve caused pressure, distrust, anxiety, fear, and many more things that warrant a restraining order — I would totally be up for that (jk). Let me tell you this: I am not leaving you, I am not abandoning you. It is much easier to rebuild with the resources we know — reconfigure the framework instead of starting from brick one. Me, I will start from brick one ANYDAY, because you’re worth it. I would want to start seeing you as a friend and a colleague to share laughter, share dreams, share small moments, even inside happenings. I would do it all over again, ask you to be my princess queen in our castle. No pressure and no timeline. I want to grow friendship, I want to grow trust, I want to grow patience. I want to grow good habits, I want to grow a dynamic routine, communication style, boundaries, etc. I know the things you’ve said, and I understand the situation. You might expect me to run away, you might expect me to run back out of fear. My feelings for you are unwavering, I want your happiness wherever you see it. Trust me, I tried and I prayed to let you go with all that happened and all that was said. I tried and I prayed and now I’ll let you know: I am ready to let you go — let this weight off your shoulders so you can feel God’s work. So that you don’t feel the need to answer me or feel bad for your actions or inactions. Know that I pray to provide a normal environment, this is not me maddogging you at work, this will be me acting normal to provide ease and comfortable communication. If I have to let you go — I will, but know that I’m here as a shoulder and as a hand for any kind of guidance and any kind of ask. I will let you go. No pressure in bills, no pressure in cats, in school, in work, in nothing. Please let God remove these obligations in our paths to illuminate a clear future. That focuses on self growth. In this time of peace I thought and thought why I can’t just let go. This is unconditional love — I don’t expect grace, forgiveness, or reconciliation. Because I love you, Natalie — I’m choosing to let you go without worry and without pressure. Because I love you, Natalie — I’m choosing to trust in your best judgement that you will succeed and you will prosper. You will be a kickass environmental engineer, remediating and inspiring and never backing down from your values. You will bring justice in many many ways to our disadvantaged communities. You will have a solid and flexible diet that you and those you surround yourself understand. You will have a home for your little kitties. You will have a heart that has healed. You may not know who you are and that is ok. I still won’t either. Just know, again that I’m here to be a shoulder. You know my intentions, too. I hope they are very clear. My unconditional love is here and I would love to get to know your laugh, your smile, your smell (sorry if that’s weird). I would love to take you out and bring you home and miss you and text you all night long. I would love to hear your hopes and dreams and problems once more so I can value them and put more thought into the communication. I would want to LISTEN all the time to work on myself as a human and not just a friend. I would want to lay communication and boundaries and take time and space as needed without pressure. Those are my intentions. I am choosing to let you go out of love, but my intentions still stand and that’s ok. You owe me no explanation for anything, but if you wish to ever mention anything, my number will be the same and this is my closure. If you ever need any closure I’m here to be open and honest. Know that as my first love, you were never in vain. I grew up to be an engineer, a pilot, and someone who I think is a man (at least a healthy one with confidence and self-love). And I’m forever grateful to you :). Thank you for always encouraging me and pushing me beyond my limits. Hopefully in a couple of years we can naturally catch up and see where life has taken us. You know where I live, you know where I work, you know where I study, and I hope that’s no pressure. But rather an invitation to chat about engineering classes, about vegetarianism, about cats, about cars and insurance, and homes, something that I grew to understand with you and we share, something we are both comfortable with. O Natalia, bye bye. O Natalia, bye bye. I trust in your greatness, in your choices, and I hope to see you succeed and be happy. :> TL;DR This is me letting you go. No pressure and no obligation. I want to let you know my intentions and where my head and heart and soul are at. Space alone doesn’t heal. Intention helps and here is mine: I am not abandoning you, but I am not waiting for you. I’m giving us both space to heal, and we’ll figure out what that looks like as time heals. You’re worth it, and God tells me to be honest and patient. He’s reminded me that our story isn’t over if I don’t give up. He’s told me not to wait around, but also not torture myself into giving up and running crazy. I’m letting him take the wheel. Without commitment, I invite you to find out who I’ve become someday. To show you that people can change, sometimes it takes losing all to find value in their support. If you ever find yourself, even if you haven’t, let me know who she is to you :). (Gosh I wish I could ask you out on a date but I won’t say that lol). You’re happiness is what I want to end this relationship in — our happiness. You are worth it, and you are someone that I never want to lose, even as a friend. But out of deep care, I’m willing to let go :). My goal: your happiness, your certification (water remediation), your home, your car (you might need an oil change btw), your engineering career, the cats, the lifestyle — success and prosperity. I have goals and I have dreams and I have plans ready to make space and take space. There to take you seriously and care for you, in emergency, in happiness, in pain too! I’m here if you need help, have an accident, I know who you are deep down and I fell in love with her. I hear God telling me that are story isn’t finished, I had a dream with William and he reminded me of my promise to never let you go and keep fighting like he did day in and out, he told me he was our biggest fan and that you were who helped me heal, but that I need to let you go to gain discipline and emotional maturity. Just know that I had imagined marrying you, buying TWO homes together, traveling (was planning something for August lol), and supporting our family as you finish your degrees and I work / PhD. Even though that, I’m want to rebuild and regrow from square one. Get to know you, take you out on dates, shower you with gifts to understand what you like/don’t like, and grow trust, friendship, and communication alike. I am really proud of what we have, we know each other’s hopes dreams and interests, we know what engineering is and what it is to study at USC caliber, we know struggle and we know cats, what more could I want? I have all the resources there :) — you encourage me to fly airplanes, be healthy, pursue research, and chase my dreams, that’s what I’ll do :•). For you to do: You don’t have to give me an answer or even truly listen, I know it’s hard because I constantly let you down, hurt you, and neglected you. You just have to take the space and let me let you go. Recognize that our lives were so intertwined that it will take some time and awkwardness, but let’s trust each other’s maturity and communication. Let’s let fear and discomfort out the door. Let’s make no promises and do what feels best with no pressure. If you ever feel like texting or hanging out or chatting — there’s no pressure to continue, you are not “opening” any doors and I understand that :). Adios Natalio. Know what I feel for you is genuine and real love. If I didn’t love or care, I would never let you grow. Do you have anything to tell me? PS Sara said hey. Any questions that keep you wondering? Any comments you want to remember? Any concerns you want to address? I mean we had a pretty intertwined life. Further: I’m so sorry for disrespecting your family. It is my biggest regrets taking everything for granted, not having patience and understanding, and speaking without thinking to hurt. Hope you can see my intentions, was not trying to love bomb — just celebrate, and support, and communicate in my love/forgiveness language. Poem: I value everything now that we used to have. The silence that was so loud. How I could walk in and cuddle with your sleeping self, knowing and finding comfort in a sleepy little kiss. How you would want to hold me while I per and I thought it was weird because I felt tingly and nervous and so so aghhhhh, lol, Late night dinners we always had watching TV shows and letting each other talk about their days. Letting each other vent. Having synergism and sacrifice around each other’s schedule. Being each other’s cheerleader and friend. Giving the chance to explore careers and friends. // If You Ever Miss it Too If you ever miss it too All the little things that we would do — Like late night dinners and sleepy smiles, The quiet love that ran straight for miles. The silence that would fill our room, More comforting than any moon. You curled up in a sleep so deep, I’d sneak a kiss, I know it’s cheap! You’d laugh and cling as I would pee — It freaked me out, but as you’d see, I melted, shy with butterflies, To think, “She’s mine,” with happy sighs. We’d share our days in quiet ways, Through half-closed eyes and long delays. We’d talk, we’d listen, without a rush — Just soft exchanges, calm and hush. You cheered for me, I cheered for you, A team of two just passing through The stress of school, the weight of work, With giggles, snacks, and nightly quirks. We juggled time, we gave, we grew — Made space for dreams, family, …friendships too. And yes, I even miss — no lie — Your bloody boogers, that finger nearby. No pressure here, just memories sweet, Of days our hearts would gently meet. If you ever miss it too, All the little things we’d do — Just words to say: I noticed, too — And I’ll always be glad I shared them with…you. Know every laugh, each quiet night, Still flickers here, just One More Light. No pressure, for what this say: I’m blessed having shared those yesterdays. If you ever miss it too — The colorful joys we once walked through — We told the truth in every light, Words came slower, our hearts were right. No need to fake, or filter, or even bend — Just honesty, just you my friend. // be your cheerleader, help you study // get your coffee order